Affairs Are Addictions

Further to my last post, I found another article talking about how affairs are an addiction. I don’t have time to dissect it now but will do later on, in the meantime here is the link:

Affairs Are Addictions

EDIT:

Not had time to update this yet but I did go for another read on the site and found a load more stuff that’s just WOW. I need to find a way for Hollie to read this. See what you think.

Our Story

The Confession

Hindsight

A New Normal

The Aftermath

 

Pea Soup

Of course, since writing the post earlier I’ve thought of nothing else other than us, and I’ve managed to cast my mind back to the end of August when I gave Hollie an article describing the “Affair Fog” which I thought she was in. I remember it focussing on 2 things, firstly that the fog was causing her to believe things that weren’t true etc and secondly the impact it had on those around her. Although I intended her to take note of the first bit, it was the second bit that hit home and made her realise what she was doing.

At the time, no-one knew the extent of what was going on so I didn’t want that part of the article to have an impact, but looking back now that’s exactly where we are – me, our children, her family, my family and our friends are all being negatively impacted to some degree by what’s happened, the shockwaves are far and wide and yet Hollie sits in the eye of the storm where everything is calm, to some degree oblivious to the pain and hurt that others are feeling around her.

So I’ve gone in search of the article again, only to find the place where it was originally hosted has vanished into the internet black hole, probably never to resurface. Of course, with the affair fog being such a well known phenomenon, there are many other places that discuss it, one of which I’d like to refer to here and talk about because of the quite frightening similarity to my current situation.

Is Your Spouse In An Affair Fog

The article talks about what the fog is (which no doubt I’ve bored you all to tears with), both the emotional and chemical side of how the brain works when faced with this initial attraction. I won’t quote any of that section as some is repeated later but it’s very apparent from reading it that I’ve experienced much of it over the last year.

The second part of the article details how to identify if your spouse is still within that zone by what they say:

Does your spouse tell you that the marriage was a mistake in the first place?

But no it really wasn’t.  Your spouse just thinks it is now because he/she is comparing the heady rush of this affair with the seeming monotony of your married life.  Your relationship was a heady rush in the beginning too but, in time, that gave way to more practical rather than romantic things as you became more comfortable and secure in your relationship.

Not directly, no. But her assurance that she’s never felt for me what she feels for him implies this fact.

Does your spouse tell you that he/she loves you but is not just in love with you anymore.

That “being in love” feeling is what is giving your spouse this euphoric feelings that’s enveloping him or her in a bubble.  This is the infatuation stage of every new relationship – and it is highly addicting.  It is purely an emotional response that eschews reason, commitment and consideration for others.  But like any addicting high, this one cannot last.

Yes, I’ve heard that. “Love you as a Daddy” as well.

Does your spouse tell you that he/she has found his/her soul mate.

Your spouse and his/her lover have isolated themselves in their own world of shared passion – their bubble – never mind what others think or feel.  This isolation – this “us against the world” feeling – makes them think that they are absolutely the only two people who understand each other, hence the brand “soul mate”.

Yes, the term soul-mate has definitely been used.

Does your spouse tell you that you will be better off without him/her.

Your spouse would like to convince you that you can actually benefit from their infidelity.  This is another way that your spouse can justify the affair, demonizing themselves and making themselves out to be no good for you, so that you will be convinced to let go.

I think I may have put this to her at some point but she certainly didn’t disagree with me!

Does your spouse tell you that the affair makes them a better person.

“If I am this happy, how can it be a bad thing?” is a question that wayward spouses asked themselves to convince them that they are not doing anything wrong by having an affair.

Yes, she’s told me that she has only one chance in life and that she has to make this change to ensure she lives it to the fullest.

Does your spouse tell you that it is your fault.

Before long, your spouse will turn the tables on you.  Pointing out your flaws, your inattention, your lack of affection, and the neglect your spouse has supposedly suffered are all tailored to make you look like the bad one, and that you deserve being betrayed.

I know in the early stages of this blog I detailed all the things that Hollie told me I wasn’t doing and the neglect I had supposedly showed her. Not really that I deserve being betrayed, but the first few months of what I’ve been through was very much about how I don’t love her how she thinks she should be loved.

Does your spouse tell you that he/she doesn’t care what other people think or feel.

When in an affair fog, all that seemed to matter to your spouse is his/her feelings.  A wayward spouse would probably reason it out, claiming that they’ve been putting the family’s needs above theirs for so long that this time, they’d like to put theirs first.

That last bit is 100% accurate, she’s said that she’s always done things for others and now it’s time to think of herself.

The rest of the article talks about what to do going forward and I think a lot of it revolves around her still living at home, which of course she doesn’t at the moment. So how do I get her out of the fog? One statement is hopefully very true:

When your spouse is in an affair fog, she is trapped in a fantasy world where the affair seems to give her all that she needs.  But reality lurks persistently at the back of your wayward spouse’s consciousness – in her heart of hearts, she treasures the familiarity and comfort of marriage and family.  For the moment, she is convinced that she can have both – familial comfort as well as the thrill of an affair.

Everyone has said that at the moment she’s trying to have it all, and I don’t think anything I’m doing is making her think otherwise. The part where I have to be really careful is not to ruin any chance of reconciliation once the fog lifts, and I’m not sure how to do that. I guess what I’m doing is ensuring that at the point where it does lift, when the thrill of the affair becomes everyday life, that she then compares what she has with what she had and realises that she’s made a mistake. Hopefully she can be strong enough to admit that.

Of course, I’ve made assumptions here. Her mannerisms and behaviour are so close to what I read that I have no doubt that she’s still in the fog, but of course I may be wrong. I will NEVER believe that she wants anything more than to see her kids growing up, that’s just beyond belief. For the moment I have to try and keep moving myself forward and hope that something keeps niggling away in her mind and releasing her from this emotional prison that she seems to be caught in. I will never stop believing that this will happen, and I will never lose faith in her.

Ups and Downs

Not put an update on for a while so thought I’d try and remember what’s happened to keep you all up to date.

One thing I have noticed in the last week is that ALL of the time I have to myself, I think about Hollie and me. As much as I try to focus on other things, whether I have free time at home, at work, in the car, or anywhere, I find myself thinking about it and trying to understand or find ways to move on. It’s all I ever think about. I wonder if Hollie ever thinks about it?

I went to Vickie and Jonathan’s on Friday for dinner, had a nice time there and spent loads of time talking to them about what was going on. I’ve noticed that everyone is telling me not to think about what might (hopefully) happen in the future, I have to think about myself and try to move on. Not easy, but I do start to wonder if Hollie has told everyone something that I don’t know, but everyone is trying not to hurt me by letting me down gently. I have lost trust in everyone I know now, my understanding of those I love and care for has been completely reset and I feel totally alone in that sense.I loved and trusted her more than anyone in the world and now this has happened, I question every relationship I have.

As much as they tried to put me on a positive, I said to Jonathan “imagine if you got home one night and your wife and your kids were gone. not only gone, leaving you with an empty house, but someone else is now living in that place – a place that you had spent quite literally your entire life aiming towards.” I have that situation 3 times a week now. I don’t know how anyone not in this situation can ever imagine what it’s like, I spent the last 11 years with Hollie building for the rest of our lives and now it feels like I have nothing left.

It was good to talk to them and they told me how much they hate her for what she’s done, how it’s impacted them and the rest of her family enormously. It upsets me to know the hurt that this has caused everyone, I feel responsible in a way.

I also saw some friends at nursery on Monday evening who also couldn’t understand how this had happened – for Hollie to sacrifice 50% of her time with her children is mindblowing. All they had been told is that we had split up, it seems Hollie isn’t ready to be completely open and take responsibility for her actions. I don’t know what good it will do but I’m getting to the point where I just want to tell everyone that she had an affair, that she betrayed her family and let someone else get between us and ultimately drive us apart. Is it nasty that I’m thinking that? I don’t know, my mind is still all over the place.

Went to Ikea on Tuesday night and got some toy storage for the lounge. Hopefully that’ll help get the lounge tidy, but it all still feels so empty and soulless without the person that I bought the house with.

And so on to the emails that I get from her. I got a long one on Monday asking what the kids did on Sunday, how the party is going to work this weekend (the one that was organised without a thought for everyone else), would I like to come in the same car and I can be picked up on the way, talking about spending Charlotte’s birthday with the Smiths etc. She might as well have written “I still want us to be a family for the kids” because that’s what it was. There was also an apology for “doing things badly in a way that has hurt me, my family and her family more than necessary”. Not sure what she’s trying to say, she’s “ashamed of how she’s done things and saying sorry doesn’t even begin  to be enough”. No, sorry will never be enough for completely destroying my life and the future that we were building. I’m not sure why she’s trying to apologise for it.

And then one this morning about what the kids had taken to nursery, and whether I wanted to get a present for Isabella on Sunday (I’m taking the kids to a friends birthday party). Also the kids mentioned I was getting some toy storage so can she have some toys, she’s also got “other things she’d like to collect at some point”. Wonder what she means by that.

Hurts so much reading emails from her, I get so positive when I don’t hear from her for a while, I know I have to move on but I still believe she’ll snap out of this mental state she’s in. Everyone can see how much she’s changed apart from her, I don’t know how she’s managing to do it. I’m still struggling hugely to contact her, I’ve even considered not to go to Charlotte’s birthday party on Saturday. I don’t want to take this out on the kids, but Hollie is – the arrangement we have at the moment must be so disruptive for them but Hollie doesn’t seem to see that – she has hat she wants and doesn’t give a sh*t about anyone else. Am I seeing this the wrong way? Is she being fair and my feelings towards her are clouding things? I don’t know what her thoughts are towards who will have them when Charlotte is in school but can’t see me benefiting from it at all!!

I don’t know what to think or do any more. I know it sounds really negative but I don’t feel like my life has a purpose any more, of course I have the kids but they now have 2 “Dads” – yes I know I’ll always be their only Dad etc but now they are seeing 2 people in that position the same amount of time, so the difference is only going to get smaller.

So there I am. One minute all positive and thinking that I need to rebuild and hope that our paths cross in the future, the next minute desperation as I try to grasp on to something. Anything. How long will Hollie be in this fog for? How long will it be until she realises she has nothing more now than she had before? In fact less than she had before? Or will she ever see that? Will she have a breakdown at some point? Will it need something to trigger that, or will it just happen? It all sucks, I can be up and getting on with the house and my life, and then I get an email or call and remember what I’ve lost. And I can never escape that.

Alone

Got home just after 7 tonight to an empty house. Finished dinner and sat here for 2 hours not doing much, just had a text from Hollie saying that Charlotte asked her to say good night to me.

I miss them all so much. How can I have so much just ripped away from me? What on Earth possessed her to walk away from so much, I just can’t come to terms with it. I don’t see how she can build a relationship founded on lies, deceit and betrayal while sacrificing so much time with her children, is it really what she wants?  What happened to the Hollie that I married, the caring, trusting, happy person? What happened that caused her to lose faith in the core values that ran so strongly through her?

Two months ago tonight was the first night that I’ve been living in this house on my own, and although everyone keeps telling me otherwise I just won’t believe that this is what she truly wants. I still love her so much, despite everything that she’s done, and I just want the life that we both built up and cherished so much, the past, the present and the future, back again.

 

Sad face :(

I miss Hollie so much.

On days like this I look out of the window and see the know falling, and think we should be outside with the kids enjoying ourselves as a family.

Damn her for letting this happen to us😦

No Contact

So I’ve not seen Hollie since Wednesday morning when I stormed out, so furious at how she’s completely self-centred and impossible to talk to. The kids stayed with her on Wednesday night, I had them last night and she has them this afternoon and tonight. She called last night but I didn’t answer, I can’t bring myself to talk to her right now. And what is there to talk about? I suggested to her on Wednesday morning that it’s not in the best interests of the kids for her to have them, she wouldn’t have it. She’s not going to have changed her mind now, but the poor kids are with me on Tuesday, her on Wednesday, me on Thursday, her on Friday and me on Saturday. What sort of stability is that for small children growing up? They won’t know whether they are coming or going.

Hollie has just texted me to tell me the kids are back safely from nursery (it’s 1.50pm now) and there are only 4 of us left in the office out of 50 – 2 of the others life within walking distance. I’m going to head off to the station soon and try to battle my way back through the snow.

She also said “I know this may seem strange to say but if you wanted to play in the snow with them before it melts let me know, we can make it happen tomorrow without anyone else.” Not sure what to say. It’s like she wants to switch back to family mode again for a few hours. I find it so extremely hard to be around her at the moment so I’ll probably pass, which means they’ll be spending the day with him again. Assuming he’s off today as Hollie is, that’ll be 3 days out of 4 that he’s with my children.

 

In Laws

So I put on a brave face and went to Bob and Jackie’s for dinner on Wednesday evening, had a nice night chatting with them about normal stuff just like we’ve always done. Bob got up to go to the loo at around 9.30 so I got up to leave, and Jackie asked if I wanted to talk about stuff, so I did. Bob came back in as well so I spoke to both of them for about an hour.

They are still struggling to get to grips with what’s going on and don’t understand Hollie’s actions. They say they are completely against what she’s ever believed in and the way she’s been raised, and they are still trying to come to terms with it all.

They also told me that Vickie has taken a real stance against it, she won’t be going to Hollie’s birthday party because of who else will be there. I appreciate the action but it won’t be enough to change her thoughts at the moment, only time will do that. Vickie and Jonathan had to sit down with Noah and Henry as well and explain to them what was going on, which breaks my heart to hear. I know it’s not my place to apologise to them but I real feel guilty that they are being affected by this.

They both said that they were amazed at my response to all of this – thought I was very tolerant and understanding despite what I’d been faced with. I don’t feel like I’ve been that strong, I’ve just tried to carry on as best I can and other than having to take some time out of things I feel I have. I have to be tolerant because 1. that’s who I am and 2. I can’t jeopardise any chance I have of regaining the life I want. I hate being angry towards Hollie despite what’s happened.

Other than that Bob and Jackie spent a lot of time telling me that they can’t turn their back on her, she is their daughter and they will always love her. I didn’t ask them to of course, I wonder if they thought that’s what I was looking for? It was reassuring to hear that they think she’s acting completely out of character at the moment, maybe when (not if) she returns to her old self she might see things differently? You’ll all say don’t get your hopes up, but I’m afraid I will always believe in us as a couple and nothing will change that. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to get on with my life, of course.

Message To All

Instead of replying to all your messages I thought I’d do it on here instead! I probably haven’t said this enough but thank you all so much for your support, I feel thoroughly helpless in all of this so your words of encouragement are very much appreciated.

I know you all keep telling me this but I can see that I am slowly getting through this. I’m coming to terms with not having Hollie, it’s at the point as I’ve said in the last few weeks where I have to come to terms with her actions and the only way there will be a future for us is if she sees it through and decides she wants to try as well. If my future is without her, of course I’m gutted, but I can get used to that – I have loads of plans for the house, I have hobbies and a few good friends that can keep me busy and financially I think I can survive too. I’ve started eating much better (even installer calorie counting and weight loss apps on my phone), and I’m considering some level of regular exercise. If finances allow maybe I’ll start playing some more golf this year.

Of course the difficult point at the moment is the children. I so desperately want them to be with me but on the other hand understand that Hollie has some level of access. I just find I can’t stand up to her enough, either it’s due to this situation or it’s just not the type of person I am. She won’t listen to what I say, she takes what she wants and gets on with her life and I find that hard to deal with. I know I need to put a plan to her but I my mind I’m pretty sure she won’t accept anything I put to her. As the link in my blog says, she doesn’t see clarity in anything here. Fairness suggests that her having them on Wednesdays and 1 in 4 weekends equals 6 days in 4 weeks, which is the same as me having them for the other 3 weekends. Is she going to accept only seeing them on Wednesdays and 1 weekend out of 4? Of course not. Maybe I should let her collect on Mondays from nursery and take them back to mine for bedtime – at least then I can start playing football again. But everytime I try to have a conversation with her, she’s all take take take and that launches me into such a rage that I can’t carry on without emotion taking over.

So she tried to call me at lunchtime and left me a message to call her back. I haven’t, I don’t really want to talk to her, and I know what she’s going to say. If her plans for the weekend are the same (no reason why not) then I’ll see the kids for a couple hours on Thursday night and couple hours on Friday morning, that’ll be the only time I have with them in 4 days. Still, at least I don’t have to see Hollie again until Saturday night.

I also have an email from her parents inviting me for dinner tonight, so obviously she’s told them that she’s having the kids tonight. I don’t know what to do, 1. I don’t want to go round and slate Hollie in front of them and 2. I don’t want them reporting back to her what I said (I don’t think they would anyway). I wonder if Hollie knows they’ve invited me. Any advice?

Lost In Music

One thing that’s really keeping me on an even keel at the moment is my music. Never before have I appreciate the positive energy that trance music gives me, a relentless driving beat covered with uplifting melodies and a good vocal always puts my in a more positive frame of mind. I’m lucky to have access to YouTube and its never-ending musical choices!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZLzx2_Jl6M